Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
