1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
