Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
