The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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