How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
