I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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