three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
