alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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