At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
