her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
