Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
