I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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