Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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