Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
