You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I did not marry a roomba.
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