Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
