he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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