He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
