i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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