fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
