She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize