you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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