when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
