happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
