At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
