hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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