She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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