Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
