tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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