It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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