I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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