as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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