I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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