U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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