His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
