She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
