I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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