I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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