Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
