Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Holy shit dude........stairs
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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