I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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