His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
