Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
