I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
