I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
