I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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