i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
