Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
