Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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