there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
