all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
