i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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