My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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