just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
