You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
