he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
