this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
