My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
