The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
