the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
