The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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