And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
