benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
